Gathering my thoughts

Hi lovlies,
I've never been any good at expressing my thoughts, be it out loud or online and I just let other people's thoughts overwhelm me and take over my mind.
I wish I could be better at voicing my opinions and speaking up for myself but I hate the feeling of being told I'm wrong or that I can't think of say that because someone else might not agree.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say here exactly but I would like people to realise that putting me down isn't going to make me feel better about myself or make me change the way I act, if anything it's just going to make me weak and isolated.

People often comment telling me that I don't look ill so therefore I cant really use my CF as any excuse for anything. First I wanna say that I wouldn't want to use it as an excuse but just because I look fine doesn't mean for one second that I feel it. Inside I find it hard to breathe. I am constantly tired and find it hard to concentrate because of this.
I don want any sympathy, I just want to be left alone. For the comments to stop so I can feel able to admit when I'm unwell.

The most important thing to me is having supportive family and friends. They understand me.

Maybe it's because I'm unsure of myself or maybe it's because people find it hard to understand things, all I know is that it's not fair.

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I'm sorry for being so deep and depressing.
Anyway just want to get my thought across, maybe one day people will realise that just because im shy it doesn't mean that I don't have thoughts and opinions.

That's all for now,

Peace love Iz x

Festive holiday updates

Hi lovlies,
So today's blog is going to be all about my Christmas holidays with my amazing family in Sussex.
It was the first time seeing all of them in 4 months so it was very special to me.
On the first day back I went to see my amazing cousin Emily straight away, we have been counting down the days till we where reunited and it was so exiting.

We spent the day catching up, watching Christmas films and putting on fake nails.
It was such a lovely and relaxing day.


That evening I also saw my cousin Becky after so long and it made me feel so happy to be back with everyone.

The next few days I was ill so didn't see anyone, the only thing that really happened in these days was that I was finally productive during physio which was probably down to mixing AD with my acapella.

I also went to see beauty and the beast at the pants and it made the whole Christmas feel super magical and we got to spend the day in Easbourne.

Christmas Eve I went ice skating which was so much fun as it made me feel exited for the next day as I got to skate around listening to Christmas music (I say skate but I mean walk round holding on to the edge ;))

In the evening I went to church with my family and it was so fun.

On Christmas day I got to see all my cousins and uncles and aunts and got spoiled rotten by everyone. I ate every piece of food in the house and playing family games all night.

The next few days up till new year where soent playing games with friends and seeing loads of Emily.

On New Years eve me and Emily went to Poppy's house and watched divergent and played games. At night we stood outside and listened out for fireworks.

I only had a few more days of holiday left at this point so me and Emily tried to do as much fun things as we could. We went shopping in town and in a big shopping mall, we watched the fault in our stars and had a lovely drink in a village cafe.

That's all for my Christmas holidays updates.

I absolutely love my family and and grateful for them all.

At Christmas 2013 I saw JLS for the last time before they split so Christmas 2014 was a year since the split.

That it for now,

Peace love Iz x

A week with friends

Hi my lovlies,
Another post from me today WOW!

At my new school we get three weeks Christmas holidays so for the first week I decided to go back to where I used to live to spend a week with my family and friends.

I arrived on Friday evening and spent the time relaxing.

On Saturday sophie came round to my house and we had a lovely catch up, put up my grandparents mini christmas tree and then went shopping for Christmas presents with her mum and brother.
I managed to get my cousin Emily's presents and cicelys presents.

On Sunday I met with Anna and kim and we went to town. We walked around and I bought some more Christmas presents and then we decided to get Chinese for lunch. We ended up walking all over the town to fund a Chinese which was open and In the end decided to come back later in the evening and get tesco lunch haha.
We then walked back to my house and they helped me wrap all the presents I had bought.
In the evening we went and got a massive Chinese feast and it was amazing!!

On Monday I met with Emily and we just watched Christmas films on the sofa and ate junk food which we bought from Iceland. It felt normal seeing her after so long and it really was such a good day.

On Tuesday I met with Emily and kim and again we just layed on the sofa watching Christmas films and eating junk food.
In the afternoon I went to Costa with Maddie and Collie and we had a good chat up and talked for hours.

On Wednesday I went shopping with Emily and kim to get Christmas presents.
I had no more to buy for my family so I just bought myself some clothes and make up with some vouchers I had left over.
Once we had shopped we went to nandos for lunch and it was so good.
We then rushed back home to meet Anna in town but she had forgotten we were meant to meet so we all just went home.
It was sad to say goodbye to kim as I wasn't going to see her again before I left so we had an emotional goodbye.

Thursday was my last day back with everyone so I relaxed with my family in the morning.
I went to say goodbye to Emily in Costa and it was very emotional and we cried.
After seeing Emily I went to my old school to visit everyone during lunch. I ran t meet Maddie and Collie at the school entrance and they took my to their form room to see everyone.
I saw the rest of my old school group and then I saw Anna and Avneet.
I then went upstairs to see Ronnie Vidyha and Tika who I didn't have time to see during the week as they still had school.
I also got to say goodbye to Sophie as I couldn't see her again as I was seeing family in the evening.
It was so nice to go back to my old school to see everyone.

So that's my week seeing family and friends.

Peace love Iz x

First admission at new hospital

Hi my lovelies,

At the end of November I was admitted to my new hospital for a two week course of IV's.

It was my third lot of IV's this year which for me is quite a lot as most years I've not even had IV's.

I was very nervous about how the new ward and my new cf team would be while I was in for the two weeks but overall everyone was super nice and made my stay as bareable as possible.

My LF dipped up and down throughout the stay so reckon I will need some more IV's pretty soon.

They only negative thing from my hospital stay was the long line situation.

I arrived in the evening of the first day but as it was quite late my Dr (who was putting my line in) couldn't make it as he overran with another patient, so I was given a cannula in my hand which was temp until my dr was free.

However my dr never managed to be free so I eneded up having all the junior Drs trying to put long lines in my arm instead and no offence to them but they where crap.

I could tell they where putting my line in wrong each time but they wouldn't listen to me and instead left the line in half up my arm. Each time any Ivs went up my line went bright red and tracked but it wasn't until my dr came two days later that they finally took it out.

In the end I was told that I had bad veins and that I would have to live off cannulas for two weeks and as I'm scared of needles this terrified me.

My cf nurse also started talking to me about getting a port which I think I will say yes to although I'm not sure it's needed as normally my veins are always pretty good and I have a strong feeling that it was the junior Drs fault it went wrong, but as this is my new hospital I don't really have much choice as I don't want to be prodded by needles everyday.

Anyway that's about all the bad stuff that happened.

Other than that physio was the same and they managed to find things I actually enjoyed to do (exercise wise).

I spent the majority of the two weeks lying in bed watching Christmas movies and online shopping.

School did send lots of work but I barely had the energy to move so I didn't do much.

Anyway that's basically all I wanted to say about my first stay at my new hospital.

Peace love Iz x

Its hard

Hi my lovelies,
So today you have two posts from me because I didn't want to start making all my posts turn negative.
Also wanted to say that there are some lovely people at my new school and I'm so grateful to know them!!!!!

Anyway I wanted to address something else...
Having Cystic Fibrosis is a life long battle and I just feel as if people should be more educated on this illness.
People always comment saying that we don't 'look ill' or that we have it easy being in bed all day when we are off school but the reality is so far off.
On days that we may look well, inside we are fighting. We can hardly breathe walking up stairs and getting too out of breathe causes mass coughing fits.
I know that this illness differs from person to person but I wish people would appreciate all we go through.

I find it horrible seeing my CF buddies go through pain. Cicely is in hospital for a six week admission and is being so brave about it. I think everyone who reads this should send her loves to cheer her upppp!!!!

Updates...
So I went for clinic last week and my lung function still isn't great. They took a cough swab and some bloods to try and get to the bottom of what was wrong. After getting the results they found I had a throat infection and that my bloods where fine.
I'm going for an appointment on Monday to hopefully kill this infection as it's causing me to have chest pains and I'm finding it hard to walk anywhere.

Today my colomycin ran out, meaning that I can finally stop using me eflow and move onto my ineb (which is charging right now) I'm actually super exited because it means that my treatment time each day should be reduced.



Well that's all for today guys, sorry if my posts are not well structured I just write what comes to my mind.

Peace love Iz x

Half term

Hi lovelies,
I'm not leaving it so long since the last post now ;)

Half term
So over half term I went back to where I used to live to see my wonderful family and friends. I filled up everyday with exiting plans with my friends. It was so nice to see them all as these people have become more like family to me and are people I can share my life with.
Moving away from them has defiantly made me appreciate them all more.

On the first day that I met up with people I saw Emily and Anna. We met in town, bought junk food and cuddled on the sofa watching films. It was such a lovely day and as soon as I was with them I just felt normal again.

This was such a funny day, we hid in Kim's den all day and the ate Chinese food on the side of the road like complete butters but like Anna said it was to avoid indigestion, hahahahaha!

I went to London with Maddie and Collie. We went shopping, saw Jamie Laing and had such a cute day eating mini pancakes and looking in the Disney shop.

 Met Emily and Kim and we went for a autumn walk in the woods and just danced around in the leaves ;)

I also met with Sophie to see Frankenstein with Benedict Cumberbatch and the we went to see our old drama groups performance of Loserville which is so amazing.

I also had snuggles with me family and had a lovely time with them but nothing too interesting happened ;)

Ok that's it for half term updates.

Peace love Iz x

Autumn updates

Hi everyone :)
Sorry I haven't posted in ages but my life has been super busy since August.

To start with I got my results and I can't believe how well I did. I missed a month of school just before exams and managed to get 1A* 2A 4B 1C! I'm over the moon I actually managed to pass them all.
After getting my results and I had to make one of the biggest decisions of my life...
If I should move to live with my dad and leave my grandparents. In the end I decided to move and start a new life in a new city, three hours away from my family.
I started a new sixth form and a new hospital.
School is ok but I'm now doing A levels, and taking Philosophy and Ethics, Politics, Business and Geography.

CF
As I moved house I also had to change hospitals. Although I'm now 16 and should be moving up to adult care, we decided that to settle me in to a new environment I should go to children's for a few months first.
Over summer I have been the healthiest I've ever been in my life but a few weeks ago my health started to get worse. I couldn't walk to school and general breathing was difficult.
My dr has started me on two new inhalers to relieve some of my airways and prevent inflammation.

My inhalers...

I've also been warned that if my LF doesn't go up within the next few weeks I will have to have IV's for the third time this year. To be honest I really can't be bothered to fight this illness anymore, it's hurt people I love and it's draining me. CF sucks.

It's currently half term so I'm back with my grandparents after two months and I'm so happy to see them.

I was hoping to post more on this blog but so much has been going on recently that I never seemed to find time and I had so much tell say I didn't know where to start.

Life
I've already done my life updates above but I just wanted to have an emotional rant.
I didn't want to use this blog as an outlet, but I've decided that as it's my blog I can write what I want and right now I'm feeling shit.
I'm not completely happy that I moved and I feel as if over time I will regret it more and more and I feel like I have no one because all my family and close friends live almost three hours away and I feel so alone.
Coming home was a huge wake up call because it made me realise what I had and what I've lost by moving. It's made me appreciate my life before and see that I actually did have a good life which I've now thrown away. I feel like it's all too late now.
Cf is starting to effect me more and more and I don't have the will power to fight it right now. I feel like I'm letting this illness take over me and I can't stop it...I don't know how to without it destroying me.
I guess I have just got to be strong and live for those people who mean so much to me.







Well sorry for that depressing end to my first blog post in ages, I just thought I should be honest with everyone. It's also made me feel slightly better for getting it out.



That's it for today people :)

Peace love Iz x